Prove that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.

Lemma 1. The crocodile is longer than it is green: Let’s look at the crocodile. It is long on the top and on the bottom, but it is green only on the top. Therefore, the crocodile is longer than it is green.

Lemma 2. The crocodile is greener than it is wide: Let’s look at the crocodile. It is green along its length and width, but it is wide only along its width. Therefore, the crocodile is greener than it is wide.

From Lemma 1 and Lemma 2 we conclude that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.

|Analysis: 1. Differentiate it and put into the refrig. Then integrate it in the refrig. 2. Redefine the measure on the referigerator (or the elephant). 3. Apply the Banach-Tarsky theorem. Number theory: 1. First factorize, second multiply. 2. Use induction. You can always squeeze a bit more in. Algebra: 1. Step 1. Show that the parts of it can be put into the refrig. Step 2. Show that the refrig. is closed under the addition. 2. Take the appropriate universal refrigerator and get a surjection from refrigerator to elephant. Topology: 1. Have it swallow the refrig. and turn inside out. 2. Make a refrig. with the Klein bottle. 3. The elephant is homeomorphic to a smaller elephant. 4. The elephant is compact, so it can be put into a finite collection of refrigerators. That’s usually good enough. 5. The property of being inside the referigerator is hereditary. So, take the elephant’s mother, cremate it, and show that the ashes fit inside the refrigerator. 6. For those who object to method 3 because it’s cruel to animals. Put the elephant’s BABY in the refrigerator. Algebraic topology: Replace the interior of the refrigerator by its universal cover, R^3. Linear algebra: 1. Put just its basis and span it in the refrig. 2. Show that 1% of the elephant will fit inside the refrigerator. By linearity, x% will fit for any x. Affine geometry: There is an affine transformation putting the elephant into the refrigerator. Set theory: 1. It’s very easy! Refrigerator = { elephant } 2) The elephant and the interior of the refrigerator both have cardinality c. Geometry: Declare the following: Axiom 1. An elephant can be put into a refrigerator. Complex analysis: Put the refrig. at the origin and the elephant outside the unit circle. Then get the image under the inversion. Numerical analysis: 1. Put just its trunk and refer the rest to the error term. 2. Work it out using the Pentium. Statistics: 1. Bright statistician. Put its tail as a sample and say ”Done.” 2. Dull statistician. Repeat the experiment pushing the elephant to the refrig. 3. Our NEW study shows that you CAN’T put the elephant in the refrigerator.

|It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest. -- S. den Hartog, Ph D. Thesis Universtity of Groningen.

|Two statisticians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don’t worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York. Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine. However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new York. At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, ”Gee, I hope we don’t lose that last engine, or we’ll be up here forever!”

|A new government 10 year survey cost $3, 000, 000, 000 revealed that 3/4 of the people in America make up 75% of the population. According to recent surveys, 51% of the people are in the majority. Did you know that 87. 166253% of all statistics claim a precision of results that is not justified by the method employed? 80% of all statistics quoted to prove a point are made up on the spot. According to a recent survey, 33 of the people say they participate in surveys.

Q: What do you call a statistician on drugs?

A: A high flyer.

Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 1-3, alpha =. 05There is no truth to the allegation that statisticians are mean. They are just your standard normal deviates.

Q: Did you hear about the statistician who invented a device to measure the weight of trees?

A: It’s referred to as the log scale.

Q: Did you hear about the statistician who took the Dale Carnegie course?

A: He improved his confidence from. 95 to. 99.

Q: Why don’t statisticians like to model new clothes?

A: Lack of fit.

Q: Did you hear about the statistician who was thrown in jail?

A: He now has zero degrees of freedom. Statisticians must stay away from children’s toys because they regress so easily. The only time a pie chart is appropriate is at a baker’s convention. Never show a bar chart at an AA meeting. Old statisticians never die, they just undergo a transformation.

Q: How do you tell one bathroom full of statisticians from another?

A: Check the p-value.

Q: Did you hear about the statistician who made a career change and became an surgeon specializing in ob/gyn?

A: His specialty was histerectograms. The most important statistic for car manufacturers is autocorrelation. Some statisticians don’t drink because they are t-test totalers. Others drink the hard stuff as evidenced by the proliferation of box-and-whiskey plots. Underwater ship builders are concerned with sub-optimization. The Lipton Company is big on statistics--especially t-tests.

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