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Steven Wright jokes


All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked

something.

Support bacteria - they’re the only culture some people have.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Deman

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Joke #413 posted in the category: Steven Wright jokes.

I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him... ”Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!” He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He’s an East German Shepherd. Very disciplined.

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Joke #3971 posted in the category: Steven Wright jokes.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.

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Joke #25835 posted in the category: Steven Wright jokes.

All those who believe in telekinesis raise my hand.

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Joke #28261 posted in the category: Steven Wright jokes.

When I was little my grandfather asked me how old I was. I said, ”Five.” He said, ”When I was your age, I was six.”

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Joke #28966 posted in the category: Steven Wright jokes.

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