Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and ”splash” they’re all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: ”Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!”-0+
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, ”So, what did you bring?”
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the ”Grandma Moses of Jail.”
Then he asked the first, ”What did you bring?”
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, ”I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games.”
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, ”Why are you so smug? What did you bring?”
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, ”I brought these.”
The other two were puzzled and asked, ”What can you do with those?”
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, ”Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, skating....”
A beautiful woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it. She decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn’t see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.
”You could have told me that before I undressed!” she scolded him.
He replied, ”Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn’t.