At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they found fairest. There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand. ”The poll tax,” he said.
”But the poll tax was repealed,” replied the commissioner.
”Ay-ah,” declared the man, ”that’s what I like about it.”
1. The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, ”Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?”
2. The difference between the short and long income tax forms is simple. If you use the short form, the government gets your money. If you use the long form, the tax advisor gets your money.
3. A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51: 2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52: 3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS:
”I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.
If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.”
4. What is the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion? The jail walls.
5. What’s the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector?
The taxidermist only takes the skin.
6. Why won’t sharks attack tax inspectors? Professional courtesy.
7. ”How have you managed to buy such a luxurious villa while your income is so low?” asked the IRS auditor.
”Well,” the taxpayer answered, ”while fishing last summer I have caught a large golden fish. When I took it off the hook, the fish opened his mouth and said, ’I am a magical fish. Throw me back to the sea and I’ll give you the most luxurious villa you have ever seen’. I threw the fish back to the sea, and got the villa.”
”How can you prove such an unbelievable story?”
”Well, you can see the villa, can’t you?”
8. For every tax problem there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated and wrong.
9. How do you know you’ve met a good tax accountant?
He has a loophole named after him.
10. A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, ”We feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile.”
”Thank God,” returned the taxpayer. ”I thought you were going to want cash.”
11. The kid had swallowed a coin and it got stuck in his throat, and so his mother ran out in the street yelling for help. A man passing by took the boy by his shoulders and hit him with a few strong strokes on the back, and so he coughed the coin out.
”I don’t know how to thank you, doc...” , his mother started.
”I’m not a doctor”, the man replied, ”I’m from the IRS”.
12. The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet: The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice ” I’d like to try the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man ”What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”
The man replied, ”I work for the IRS.”
13. Psychiatrist to Internal Revenue agent on couch: ”Nonsense! No way does everyone in the world hate you - everyone in the US perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the world.”
Dear Internal Revenue Service:
Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I
owe $3, 407. 00 in taxes. Please note the attached article
from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein
you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171. 50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600. 00 per toilet seat.
I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2, 400) and six
(6) hammers valued @ $1, 029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3, 429. 00.
Please apply the overpayment of $22. 00 to the ”Presidential Election Fund,” as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1. 5 ” Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H. U. D. pays $22. 00 each for 1. 5” Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
A Satisfied Taxpayer
The door bell, rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying, ”Trick or Treat!” The man asks the kids what he is dressed up like for Halloween. The kid replies, ”I’m an IRS agent.” Then he takes 40 percent of the man’s candy, leaves, and doesn’t say thank you.-0+
A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, ”Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile.”-0+