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A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ”Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied, ”No ma’am, they’re dead.”

-92+

Joke #863 posted in the category: USA jokes.

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,

My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,

Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,

And he told me there was something I had to know;

His look and his tone I will always remember,

When he told me of the horrors of..... Black November;

”Come about August, now listen to me,

Each day you’ll get six meals instead of just three,

And soon you’ll be thick, where once you were thin,

And you’ll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin.”

”And then one morning, when you’re warm in your bed,

In’ll burst the farmer’s wife, and hack off your head.

Then she’ll pluck out your feathers so you’re bald ’n pink,

And scoop out your insides and leave ya lyin’ in the sink.”

”And then comes the worst part,” he said not bluffing,

”She’ll spread your cheeks and pack your rear end with stuffing.”

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,

I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat.

I decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked.

I’d have to lay low and remain overlooked.

I began a new diet of nuts and granola,

High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola.

And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,

I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes.

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,

And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed.

But ’twas I who was laughing, under my breath,

As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death.

And sure enough when Black November rolled around,

I was the last turkey left in the whole compound.

So now I’m a pet in the farmer’s wife’s lap;

I haven’t a worry, so I eat and I nap.

She held me today, while sewing and humming,

And smiled at me and said, ”Christmas is coming....”

-20+

Joke #1623 posted in the category: USA jokes.

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal

alien in the

bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and

says ”Sorry, you

know the law, you’ve got to go back across the

border right now.”

The mexican man pleads with them, ”No, noooo

Senior, I must stay in de

USA! Pleeeze!”

The Border Patrol

Agent thinks to himself, I’m going to make it hard

for him and says

”Ok, I’ll let you stay if you can use 3 english words

in a

sentence”.

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol

Agent tells him, ”The 3 words are: Green, Pink and

Yellow. Now use

them in 1 sentence.”

The Mexican man thinks really hard for

about 2 minutes, then says,

”Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green,

Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez

Yellow?”

-19+

Joke #9178 posted in the category: USA jokes.

Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

Step 7: Turn oven the on

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky

Step 9: Turk the bastey

Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick

Step 17: Turk the carvey

Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch

Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

-0+

Joke #10980 posted in the category: USA jokes.

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

”Our flag symbolizes our taxes,” he said. ”We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.”

”That’s the same with us,” the American said, ”only we see stars, too.”

-23+

Joke #14706 posted in the category: USA jokes.

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