In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you
are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for
wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one
should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going
alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between the hours of 9 and 11 A. M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is
the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastary: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian
and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the
corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red
beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck
let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.
In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend
courageous, efficient self-service.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner’s: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush
we will execute customers in strict rotation.
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition
of Arts by 15, 000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were
executed over the past two years.
In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking
shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel
A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on
our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for
instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are
married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests
of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be
used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extrcted by the
A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has
been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the
afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city
tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on
your own ass?
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to
In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from
their own skin.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work
throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today - no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner
if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them
in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the
USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have
children in the bar.
At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any
suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find
they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in
your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot
heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first,
but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
”Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. ”They must be British.”
”Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. ”They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.”
”No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, ”they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. They are Russian.”
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They’d have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
”When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
”When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.”
”That’s nothing”, an American replied. ”We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.’ ”
For more than 30 years, New York magazine has run a contest in which contestants take a well-known foreign language expression, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression. Here are some favorites.
CAN YOU DRIVE A FRENCH MOTOCYCLE?
Cogito Eggo Sum.
I THINK; THEREFORE I AM A WAFFLE.
THE CAT IS DEAD.
Repondez-vous s’il vous plaid.
HONK IF YOU’RE SCOTTISH.
Que sera serf.
LIFE IS FEUDAL.
DEATH STYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS.
Pro Bozo publico
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL CLOWN.
ApÃƒÂ¨Ã’Â³ Moe le deluge.
LARRY AND MOE GOT WET.
FAST FRENCH FOOD.
Veni, vidi, vice.
I CAME, I SAW, I PARTIED.
TONS OF LUCK.
LOVE; GREETINGS; FAREWELL; FROM SUCH A PAIN YOU SHOULD NEVER KNOW.
Visa la France.
DON’T LEAVE YOUR CHATEAU WITHOUT IT.
L’ÃƒÂ©Ã’Â’Ã’Â¡t, c’est moo.
I’M BOSSY AROUND HERE.
Cogito, ergo spud.
I THINK, THEREFORE I YAM.
(OK, more than 1 letter. )
Veni, vidi, velcro
I CAME, I SAW, I STUCK AROUND.
(OK, another exception. )
SInce we’re into USSR jokes:
Every philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room;
Marxist philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, but
the cat isn’t there;
Soviet philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room,
the cat isn’t there, but you keep shouting ”I’ve found it! I’ve found it!”