USENET Parody No no, the question is: How many USENET posters does it take to change a lightbulb? A1. Define ”change” A2. How do you know the lightbulb is out? A3. Don’t use the word ”posters” to describe us, it’s offensive to large sheets of papers with pictures on them which hang on walls. A4. That question is not appropriate for this group, please take it elsewhere. A5. I think it’s perfectly appropriate, this is alt. fan. lightbulbs. A6. Well, that’s because you’re a twit. A7. Who are you calling a ”twit”? Besides, you spelled ”twit” wrong. A8. Oh? And how exactly do *you* spell ”twit”, twit? A9. Could you two take this to e-mail? Doesn’t anyone want to talk about lightbulb fans instead of flaming? A10. You’re a twit also, who died and made you net. cop? A11. Look, all of you, take it to alt. flame or e-mail or something. A12. Hey, USENET is an anarchy, you have no right to tell them what to post or not post. A13. Speaking of anarchists, why don’t you all vote for Andre Marrou, Libertarian Party Candidate for President? A14. Because the Libertarians are all twits. A15. Waitaminit! Now we’re arguing politics on alt. fan. lightbulb???? A16. Stop wasting bandwidth with this stuff! A17. What ”stuff” pray tell? A18. Yikes! It’s dark in here! A19. Define ”dark”. A20. I mean the lightbulb must be out. A21. So change it. A22. Define ”change”...-0+
”Usenet is like Tetris for people who still know how to read.” -- Computer Museum (Boston)
”Usenet isn’t a right. It’s a right, a left, and a swift uppercut to the jaw.” -- Computer Museum (Boston)
”If you put a billion monkeys in front of a billion typewriters typing at random, they would reproduce the entire collected works of Usenet in about... five minutes.” -- Anon.
”Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and the Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare!” -- Blair Houghton
”The NeXT Computer: The hardware makes it a PC, the software makes it a workstation, the unit sales makes it a mainframe.” -- Anon.
”What goes up must come down. Ask any system administrator.” -- Anon.
”Who’s General Failure and why’s he reading my disk?” -- Anon.
”If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get one million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.” -- Robert X Cringely
”A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.” -- Mitch Ratliffe
”The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That’s where we come in; we’re computer professionals. We cause accidents.” -- Nathaniel Borenstein
”Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.” -- Anon.
”Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO? _|” -- Anon.
”If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.” -- Anon.
”Intel has announced its next chip: the Repentium.” -- Anon.
”Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.” -- Anon.
”Never trust a computer you can’t throw out a window.” -- Steve Wozniak
”All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.” -- Anon.
”Want to make your computer go really fast? Throw it out a window.” -- Anon.
”The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up, there’s no law against whacking them around a little.” -- Porterfield
”Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked.” -- Jeff Pesis
”The best way to accelerate a Macintosh is at 9. 8m/sec/sec.” -- Marcus Dolengo
”If a trainstation is where the train stops, what’s a workstation...?” -- Anon.
”The robot is going to lose. Not by much. But when the final score is tallied, flesh and blood is going to beat the damn monster.” -- Adam Smith
”The computer is a moron.” -- Peter Drucker
”I do not fear computers. I fear lack of them.” -- Isaac Asimov
”Sometimes it pays to stay in bed in Monday, rather than spending the rest of the week debuging Monday’s code.” -- Dan Salomon
”It’s easy to cry ’bug’ when the truth is that you’ve got a complex system and sometimes it takes a while to get all the components to co-exist peacefully.” -- Doug Vargas
”As soon as we started programming
Announcing Badnews, (TM) a realistic approach to Usenet.
The news software currently in use freely mixes policy with mechanism and actually creates obstacles for its user community. In practice, this inhibits no one and merely results in frustration which, as has been clinically proved, leads to aggression. The time has come to give users what they really want.
Badnews fixes the following bugs in previous news software:
1) Due to a bug, previous news read/post programs limited the ’cancel’ command to the users own postings. Badnews fixes this problem.
2) Previous signatures were limited to 4 lines. Badnews supports arbitrarily large signatures. If your signature is too small, badnews will pad it with such cute sayings as ”flames ›/dev/null” and the like.
3) Previous software insisted that followup additions be longer than included text. In this interim release, badnews fixes this restriction by automatically generating extra lines of cute sayings like ”inews fodder.”
4) To avoid wasting bandwidth caused by articles failing to reach their intended target, badnews will refuse to post articles not crossposted to at least 4 newsgroups.
5) Due to a design error, previous news software actually discouraged thoughtful postings and selected for ego-maniacs and one-true-wayists by trying to intimidate the poster asking if they ”really wanted to do this.” Badnews will be more supportive and say ”Thank you for sharing.”
6) Current software encourages a bandwidth wasting redundancy by requiring a ’Subject: ’ line when the actual subject (if any) can always be inferred from the article itself. Badnews eliminates this redundancy by automatically generating a contentless or irrelevant ’Subject: ’ such as ”Help needed,” ”Posting,” or ”This line intentionally left blank.”
New commands available
1) The ’Sue’ command automatically initiates a lawsuit against the author of the currently read message.
2) The ’Expand’ command automatically decrypts many common abbreviations which may appear in the currently read message, such as: IMHO, PC, SO, BTW, MOTAS, BMW, MES
3) The ’Suicide’ command automatically deposits the users name in other users’ kill files. In this interim release, this command is limited to adding your name to Ted Kaldis’s kill file.
4) The ’Notify’ command contacts powerful people associated with the currently read message. Current options include: notify employer, notify sysadmin, and notify the press.
5) The ’Sexchange’ command automatically switches the genders in the message currently being read. The interim release limits this function to two genders.
New posting aids
Many postings are actually the same or similar to messages sent before. In order to make such duplication easier, Badnews provides automatic posting on common topics selected from a menu. Menus currently available will cover
1) Hoaxes/urban legends
2) Requests for money
3) Jokes about strings
4) Commonly asked questions (e. g. How do I get my current directory to print out in my prompt? )
5) A SERIOUS DILEMMA FOR THE NET
6) Appropriate flames to respond to the user using 1-5 above
7) Appropriate counter flame to respond to user using 6 above
Future enhancements will include:
1) Kill with prejudice which will notify via mail (with appropriate nasty epithets) the author of any article being killed.
2) Kill by gender, ethnic group, political slant.
3) Auto-forge to fake the header of real or non-existent persons.
4) The ’Pull’ command to pull another user’s net account.
5) Kill with extreme prejudice, to actually terminate the life of a user.
6) Starwars, to build a shield to protect oneself from 1-5 above.
Followups or requests for Beta versions should go to alt. paranoid.
Badnews is a trademark of Charletanics